Irkutsk Ice Truckers

Taken from his cell-phone JohnJohn here shows the place from which he so narrowly escaped with his life Thursday. WCC Freshman Rocker JohnJohn, home for several weeks among the surfer dudes of California, only narrowly escaped mortal injury during a visit to the "enemy territory" land of TAC.  "It was awful," was all that our reporters could get out of him, exhausted as he was with attempting an escape. Apparently, he had been visiting a "friend" at TAC's Santa Paula campus, but accidentally having worn a WCC shirt, was attacked and "run out of town on a rail" as an eyewitness report anonymously informed us. JohnJohn is being treated for multiple supposed injuries at Calfornia's We Decide if You Live  medical center where rumors suggest the possible danger of implementation of the so-called "timmy-treatment". "He was just visiting, and had no malicious intent," says a concerned WCC Sophomore. "How co...

Who or what is the mysterious figure standing in the background? Well, it's taken eight months, but after incoherent stories have come out about terrifying experiences they underwent, what they themselves call the " true  story" has finally come out about what WCCLE 5 experienced. The group is trying to be careful about what they say and what they release, with only very short, scripted answers, but the few images released last week of their true experience from C.O.R. last August are stunning scientists around the world already.  Four images have been released by the six surviving members of the eight "Lost Boys" who originally ventured forth that month into the Wyoming wilderness. Two show a large hairy creature in the background that they claim to be a creature that stalked them for days. "Its proof that Bigfoot exists, when we had lost all hope of ever doing that," said Dr. Regis Blackgaard, a Stanford physicist looking into "...

Crux Coffee Though already quite popular as it is, a new IIT survey and a computer analysis of its results suggest that Crux Coffee could see a 64% increase in sales if they became "an Old West Style Bar" or what is otherwise known as a saloon. Associated with Wyoming Catholic College, Crux Coffee currently focuses on "coffee, tea, and sustenance". However, as our work concluded, business there would greatly benefit if they offered a more traditional Western atmosphere. "Bars are part of the Western tradition," claims Angela Anderson, a college Junior. "Why don't they just go ahead and more fully participate in it then? I know everyone wants something more than the Pequod. Let's get real. Experience the real, guys." It's already quite public knowledge that most professors want something like this already. For example, as Professor Cleanit said last year: “Let’s grab our beers, go kill something, break something, and then ...

Freshmen Anne and Emily, aiming to redeem opinions of the Class of 2022 from being solely satirical and unserious, have launched a serious project, a blog named the Barnabus Project About it: The Barnabas Project is a blog by and for the Wyoming Catholic College class of 2022. It’s a kind of combined lit-mag and indie coffee shop; it’s a site for philosophical musings on what we’re reading and thinking about, photography from our vacations, poetry and short stories, or basically anything. A little background: at the end of COR, we had a program at campfire called The Barnabas Project in which we, in a way, prepared to face the challenges of being a student. As we face the challenges of summer, this blog will be a small oasis of WCC culture against the tumultuous ocean of the wider world. Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton   View it here: https://wyclassof2022.home.blog/ To contribute (if you're a Freshmore ), find Anne's email ...

Lander/Dusseldorf- After two WCC freshmen performed the practice of liturgical bubble blessing a week ago, several German bishops have declared that bubbles are an acceptable form of blessing during and outside liturgies. Cardinal Günter Schuster of Dusseldorf, Germany announced today in a joint statement with six other German bishops that "all priests are open to being truly welcoming this weekend with an invigorating and modern liturgy that will bring all to love." His instructions of a "truly welcoming" liturgy included to the surprise of many WCC students who had received the blessing of Darius and Sarah but never could have guessed that bishops were thinking the same thing. "I must admit I was a little skeptical of the idea at first," says Freshman Rocker JohnJohn, "I mean I'm all about inclusion, but for some reason, I thought bubbles were kind of excluding. I guess I was wrong though with Cardinal Schuster's announcement....

A recent leak from the Student Life office has brought the new work-study position of "Mean Guy" to the forefront. This was created as our source within the office said: "to make it easier for prefects to build relationships with those under their care and to appear less like overruling monsters to the young Freshman and especially cute li'l foundlings." Our source continues: "They specifically chose all the mean jobs like enforcing the dress code and managing couples into one job because they wanted to minimize the number of people targeted for such "necessary" actions. However, I don't think they foresaw the problem of actually filling these spots. Who would want to go around all day telling people who might be older than him that their shirt isn't tucked in or they can't wear a hat inside, or go around throwing out people's books and bananas when they leave them around? Really, they expect someone to take this? WCC has not...

Ruth "baking" from an undercover Frassati spy #Fratleaks While Ruth's "Possee" may have returned last week to their homes near the Eastern shores fair, new questions are emerging about the purpose for their visit and have kept them, and Ruth herself in the spotlight.  Read our first report on their visit:  "Ruth's Posse" Swoops Into Lander: Who Are They Really? Even before the Possee returned they sent a recorded song to members of a "family of Ruth". A little had been disclosed on this social unit during their visit, but we never realized until after they left just how much of a "family" she has, assuming the family, like the visitors, is real in some sense, and not just another set of hired actors. Of course, Ruth has a family , which visited at Thanksgiving, last year, so any assumption that one is real in the traditional sense would likely then preclude that the other from being real. What then is it that ...

A new study, sponsored by IIT and the Coca-Cola Beverage Institute for Health and Wellness, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association shows that IIT's new hair-growing service delivers on the intended results! Thirty WCC men, for some reason, volunteered to participate in our study pitting Fuzzy Wuzzy Hair Growth Formula against time and/or wigs. This top-secret formula, brewed in our labs in Frankfurt, Germany, is composed of liquid vanadium, siracha sauce, chicken beaks, green glitter glue, and Lindt 90% Cacao dark chocolate. Obviously we can't tell you what's in it, because it's secret, but we can assure customers that it is all-natural, non-GMO, American-made, and Free-range. As you can clearly see from the charts below, hair growth in the formula group exceeded growth in the control group by 9 inches, and saw an increased growth rate as the study went on. Also, customer satisfaction in the formula group was higher than in the control ...

Can you believe that anyone could fall for this? A graduating senior just last night sent out this bombshell offer, with the title "Does anyone need a phone?". Not only would it be an odd thing to sell to students, at WCC particularly this type of offer can only mean one thing: an attempt to trick unsuspecting students into violation of the school's technology policy. Cell-phones are all but banned from Wyoming Catholic College and the offer of Senior Cassandra Sheehan could thus only be a mistake or as most think, an attempt to trick unsuspecting underclassmen into "possession of a phone" Here is here all school message: Hi everyone, I have a Motorola Moto X, 2nd generation smartphone (4.5 yrs old, but still works great if you are not into the latest updated phones) which I am selling for $40. Anyone interested? Here's a picture of what it would look like. It is in perfect condition since the case protected it. I would be using it after graduation ...

Reported just thirty minutes ago by Freshman Rocker Olivia, the much acclaimed "Spons Verberans cult object has gone missing. See it sticking up from Rinju's backpack on the left several weeks ago when the renowned "hitting spoon" first came to WCC on the Spring 2019 Desert Backpacking "Desert Scam" But as Olivia, guardian of the spoon, reported this evening, it's now missing! She reported: A highly precious Giant Golden Spoon has gone missing. It is known as Spons Verberans Has anyone seen it? Does anyone have any idea where it could be recovered? Sincerely, Olivia Spons is dear to everyone here at WCC, and after the recent disappearance of the Chinese Balls from St. John's this latest strike adds to a troubling month of Marxist trends here at WCC. Marxist Trend Concerns Spark New Freshman Course Know where they are? Tell us at recoverspons@irkutskicetruckers.com

Yes this is a real image - taken from the WCC dorms last week Righteous tempers are flaring up at WCC over last week's attack of a group of arsonist bandits upon the campus. "It was TAC I tell you," said Sophomore Kristin Houser of Alaska. Another shouts "Down with the TAC-ey terrorists" as we interview a crowd of students clustered around the wreckage of what was once a field overgrown by weeds.  Reports are confused, but a group dressed as firemen reportedly set fire to vegetation on Cemetary Hill behind the WCC Upper Dorms. As visible in these images, smoke plumes can be seen rising hundreds of feet as the flames were only just beginning Total destruction was staved off by brave work from both Irkutsk Ice Truckers crews and members of the Wyoming IRA but great damage was still done to the Cemetary Hill underbrush. What is more troubling to most than the damage, however, is those who are blamed for it and why, with popular opinion (87% of surveye...

Joy from this - Ohh yeah! In what is being called a historic moment for the school's cleanliness, the one working vacuum between the two hotel dorms has finally been "found" for longer than a day. "Its great to finally not have to awkwardly ask Mari all the time or knock on the door of the women's dorm every time I need it," says Freshman Jack White. "I made this super cool looking poster and... people actually listened or saw."  While of course it is sometimes in use when someone else needs it, the new accidental state of the grey hotel vacuum has brought much rejoicing to a people in the darkness of grime. "I remember the time last month when it went missing for two weeks," Jack continues, "The place was awful, I'd call it a pigsty, but then there's always the danger that people with 'dead souls' would think I was speaking literally. Everyone was calling it the WCCLE 5 vacuum because it was always gone Tw...

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May 6, 2019-Lander, Wyoming. It happened late last night, as the Sunday crew was making preparations to evict the last stragglers from Frassati Cafeteria. Nobody saw it coming; nobody thought it was even possible. Witnesses described the scene as, "The most moving show of determination we have ever seen." In that moment, sophomore William P. Russelle entered the cafeteria, laden with all the dishes he had departed with half an hour before, not excluding his cup. His appearance was haggard, his face pale as he labored to breathe after the long journey. However, that did nothing to cool the fire in his eye or the blunt the steely resolve in his heart. He saw his goal directly ahead of him and made for it with the last of his failing strength. Silence reigned in the cafeteria as he took the last few steps and placed everything into the proper bus tubs. As the silence transformed to standing ovation, Mr. Russelle collapsed to the floor, exhausted but triumphant. In an interv...

Dr. Holmes at QuisQuid last February So tomorrow is the big day we've all neglected to study for. But there's nothing to worry about. We still have a whopping fourteen hours till we even have to start worrying about it, that is, the theology final. However, if you're one of those  people, who are more concerned with the intellectual than with the obviously superior lifestyle of procrastination, here are a few tips to make your experience better. 1. Listen to It Dain't Exist  by the ever-popular metal band Nobody:  The rhythmic chords and irregular beat of this ever popular song are sure to jolt your mind into thinking. Just be sure to turn it up loud and rock to the beat as you "study" 2. Find Dr. Holmes with a crowd of other eagerly "studying" students and ask him to answer the questions for you. Yes it works! as we found out today, though unfortunately, it might be too late now for that now. Or you could write him an email li...

Marley Decker In a strange situation Tuesday, Marley K. Decker, a WCC Freshperson reported a terrifying encounter with the very essence of monster. Playing a peaceful game of ping-pong, she was winning she claimed, until her opponent turned on her. "He was like aimin' for the head" she cried in an almost delirious state, "and it was all physical. I was showing him up at ping-pong, and that was when it happened."  She claims to have been attacked for thrity minutes with the deadly weapon of a ping-pong paddle, and was unconscious for five minutes before being "immediately attacked again". Why did this happen? Apparently, her opponent did not like her "superior ability at the deeply philosophical game of ping-pong". Plausible, it is, that someone would be angry over losing, especially considering how seriously table sports are taken here at WCC, but these claims, if true, suggest a deep escalation from the typically rowdy Frassati proto...

Lander, WY- Law enforcement authorities were called in to assist Wyoming Catholic College professor Dr. Grove as a riot erupted outside his office last week. Although motives were mixed, the main underlying cause seemed to be the professor’s invitation to ask questions about a recently returned Philosophy 102 quiz. “Ask questions about the quiz? C’mon, that’s basically giving the green light for a mob,” said Addison Carter, whose comment elicited cheers from fellow protestors. IIT managed to interview Thomas Ondrusek, one of the ringleaders, about the quiz itself. “Yeah, I hated that quiz. With results like that, how did he expect us not to fight back? Students were in tears as he handed them to us in class. Even with the curve, I only got, like, an A-.” In all, about twenty students showed up to protest. I would describe the level of enthusiasm as high, especially after Ondrusek’s rousing speech in favor of justice which, interestingly, failed to define justice at all. One stu...

"The Sick and Savage" Photo by Anthony Jones “This is the most heavy-metal book of the Bible,” argues Freshman Rocker Blaise about the book of Judges in his book, Metalheads and the Greek Conciousness. Here, he argues for a necessary unity of the book of Judges with his love for the particular genre of musical expression known as heavy metal. Now, heavy-metal being associated with the Bible may seem contradictory or wrong somehow to our modern sensibilities, just as metal as music may seem out of place or incorrect in a Catholic liberal arts, let alone liturgical setting. However, as I hope to prove, metal is crucial to the poetic experience of the real that characterizes this school’s intellectual endeavors and provides a pathway to seeing true being “that which is”. The “Sick and Savage” recognizes this in his Biblical comparison to elements of the metallic world. As such, rather than being ignored, or worse discouraged, metal, particularly in its “heavy” variant, sh...