Skip to main content

The Week: March 17th Edition - Raucous Party/Stolen Bikes/KKAA and more

Image
By LivingtheReal
News this week - Raucous St. Patrick's Day Party/Stolen Bikes/KKAA/Junior Music Papers/Another Drop

Just like what happened in Plato's Symposium, a raucous party came and took over Lander's Crux Coffee late Saturday night. 

Reports are still coming in of the exact details but amidst hours of ear-breaking noise a riot broke out between the current WCC Juniors and some Freshmen performers, who, proclaiming that they didn't know anything, sang "...we don't know any juniors".

Luckily, things calmed down when a even more raucous party came in around 11pm, leading disagreements to dispersion in the midst of ever louder noise.

Meanwhile, several dozen bikes were stolen near-simultaneously from WCC students in and around the campus, leading to fresh accusations against the Campus Assassins organization, which still officially denies responsibility.

"I mean who else could it be?" asks Bart Rathbone, local buisness owner of the Electric Palace, "this town has been goin down ever since that gang arrived. Either it was the Assassins or Bigfoot or nobody."

The Campus Assassins head-lead, however,  maintains, "we were not involved in any way with theft of any sort. And this time, unlike the intelligence we discovered about a rogue agent with the St. John's bombing, all of our agents are honest and accounted for."

So on one knows for sure who was responsible, and as of press time, none have been found. If yours was among those taken, report the theft as soon as possible to Mrs. Hillary at hillary.halsmer@wyomingcatholic.edu

But the Campus Assassins are also in the news for another reason, with a new service now provided to the WCC community, as their press release states:
Freshmen Rockers!
We now offer Kampus Kidnappings And Assassinations, (KKAA) which consist of nothing more than taking a Fellow Student Rocker (FSR) and Holding Him Hostage until some petty ransom such as cookies are turned in.
To order, just post in Baldwin: Assassins of KKAA, Hold FSR (name) on (date and time).
Many students are excited about this new service,  and usage in the week running up to Outdoor Week is expected to be high as everyone tried to get the people they don't wan't on their trips "held".

"Oh man, if this thing works, me and my buds'll have so much ramen left over on our climbing trip," says WCC Sophomore Jeremy Whitney of West Virginia, planning to use the service to "trim down" his food group.

On a surprising further note, none of the forty-two junior music papers submitted yesterday featured analysis of metal, something IIT president Everett finds "highly surprising". "We plan to up our community engagement during the remainder of the semester," he says. "We don't want to have this same problem again next year."

And another student dropped from WCC over the week, Junior Kaitlyn H. Elliott of South Carolina with little details or further news about her departure available at present.

And anyone remember this?

Until next time,

James
Everett
S. Ezra Smith
and the rest of the IIT team,
Rock on my fellow freshmen rockers!




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular

MetalMatch: Dating - By Irkutsk

By
Find your true metalhead love - now made easier by MetalMatch by IIT Simply input your information and we set you up with a guaranteed shot at your choice of "pseudo-dating", dating, or our new special of "anti-Pseudo" dating where you are guaranteed a fake dating relationship that you can show off even though it's really all fake. Visit https://everettpolinski.wixsite.com/icedate Or write to date@irkutskicetruckers.com IIT wants you to have the best heavy-metal castle relationship possible and will do everything we can to get you a successful relationship. New statistical and geometric methods improve the accuracy of our matchmaking program while surveillance efforts around the WCC campus track results in real time. Our satisfied customers include Dr. Grove, Peter Fay, Anselm, Sophia Donaldson, and our very own Aretari Polinski. Date today!
Post a Comment
Read more

Sourcing Engineering by Irkutsk Ice Truckers:

By
Full outfit for a dance sourced by IIT for only $39 with ice-truck delivery - Elsewhere: $256 The new way to "not-buy", sourcing engineering by Irkutsk Ice Truckers. Next time you plan to go to the store to buy something, don't, look no further than IrkutskIceTruckers.com. After years of research developing infinitesimal spy radar devices that we have distributed through our front company Plastic Rocker Bags Inc. we are now pleased to announce a new way to source materials, things, anything! Our radar spy devices have with proprietary technology inventoried the contents of millions of homes in 'Merca, Siberia, the supposed land of Canada and more. This works by radar scans of each home being relayed to our Alaska headquarters by a hidden relay application installed on most of the phones and computers of the homes we have scanned. Next we process the data into our now 458 TB database where a revolutionary new system corresponds objects in the radar maps of ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Gender Neutral Patronages: School To House Men in Dorm Consecrated to St. Scholastica

By
St. Scholastica In a move that has proved quite shocking to some, the shake-up so recently announced among WCC dormitories for next year has included transgender patronages. A current women's dorm consecrated to St. Scholastica will become next year a men's dorm, forcing men to be under the patronage of a female saint. Seemingly innocuous, a few find it unbearable, however. "It's horrendous", says WCC student Michael Olsson concerning the planned development. "I don't know what kind of Theology department we have that would sign off on something like this." He is referring to the news out today that this decision to keep the dorm consecrated to St. Scholastica came from the decision of unnamed Theology professors. "You can't switch names around wildly you say", continues Michael. "Then why did they switch Josemaria's from what is now Theresa's to the hotel?" he asks. "You switched names last time. Now w...
Post a Comment
Read more