Breaking: Cyril Returns

Cyril (right) and an undisclosed relative

Few details available yet bu the professor is back, Professor Cyril Patton has returned to collect the prime matter, substantial forms, and accidents he left behind from his sudden departure a month and a half ago.Cyril plans to remain here for around forty-eight hours, his first public statement suggests, catch a sight of our first memorial wall member while you can!

Campus Assassins has made no statement on their plans concerning Cyril at press time, but a kidnapping on him would not be out of the ordinary considering the present situation and their tactics and might even gain support from many of the freshmen rockers and IIT itself.

More to come as our investigators explore this shocking development, a return almost no one saw coming.

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Ban the Joe: Get Joe to Come Here

The symbol of the cause Many WCC students are mourning the loss of Joe B. to University of Dallas. A promising member of the spring Founders draft, many were looking forward to him joining the Class of 2023. Banjo Guy as he is called, has reportedly committed to attending the University of Dallas near his Texas hometown, in a decision largely predicated upon the attendance there of many of his friends. But never fear, it's not too late! "It's not up to him whether he comes or not," was the simple conclusion from a high-level meeting of the new WCC Future Student Decision Council. Simply, that means that as everyone wants him here, he can't just decide to go elsewhere. Everyone wants him to come here, but how, one might ask, do we change this horrible decision? There are multiple ways to be sure, but to begin, we're collecting signatures as part of a national BAN-JO campaign. Ban does not mean ban in the typical sense of disallowing, but is h...

No more spills!

I am going to keep this brief. I really do not want to be that person , but it is something that I have observed recently, and it is becoming a problem. And not your regular problem, no, this is becoming a HUGE problem. No one likes it when there is water spilled everywhere, leastwise me. We all hate it when we go in and start slipping everywhere because someone did not do it right. I’m serious. If you are going to dive, don’t. There are no experts at this college, except maybe John-John, so you have no excuse to do it. When you dive, water spills all over the place and it isn’t pleasant. Also, this includes no jumping, no pencils, and especially no cannonballs. Another point. Is there actually a thrill in such an activity? Can you actually say that you enjoy diving? What is the use once you get in there? There is nothing to see, nothing to do; all you will be able to brag about is that you accidentally swallowed a bit more than you wanted. So again, please, I beg of yo...

BREAKING: Spons Verberans Goes Missing

Reported just thirty minutes ago by Freshman Rocker Olivia, the much acclaimed "Spons Verberans cult object has gone missing. See it sticking up from Rinju's backpack on the left several weeks ago when the renowned "hitting spoon" first came to WCC on the Spring 2019 Desert Backpacking "Desert Scam" But as Olivia, guardian of the spoon, reported this evening, it's now missing! She reported: A highly precious Giant Golden Spoon has gone missing. It is known as Spons Verberans Has anyone seen it? Does anyone have any idea where it could be recovered? Sincerely, Olivia Spons is dear to everyone here at WCC, and after the recent disappearance of the Chinese Balls from St. John's this latest strike adds to a troubling month of Marxist trends here at WCC. Marxist Trend Concerns Spark New Freshman Course Know where they are? Tell us at recoverspons@irkutskicetruckers.com

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